The Tourist

Saturday, December 10 th, 2016 at 00:12 am 

The Tourist – Movie Review

SYNOPSIS

Elise (Angelina Jolie) randomly sits next to an American tourist, Frank (Johnny Depp), on a train going to Venice. The police have been following Elise for two years waiting for her to contact her lover who embezzled over $2 Billion. Not only will they need to evade the police, but also the mobster who’s money he stole.

JOY’S REVIEW

The Tourist is a little hard to review in that it’s got Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp in it, and Johnny Depp plays the opposite of his Pirates of the Caribbean character. No eyeliner here and no swagger. In fact, he plays kind of a mild mannered, mildly depressed math teacher at a community college, who falls into the web of Angelina Jolie. Let me tell you about the opening scene, because for me it really exemplified the entire movie. She walks out of a Paris hotel room and is clearly being tracked by people from Scotland Yard or Surete or somebody, we don’t know. We know they have high tech equipment. And she’s in this outlandish outfit that people haven’t worn since the ’40s. She swaggers down the street and she goes to a cafe. She orders in French, even though the translation is completely wrong, then he refers to her as madame, and the subtitles calls her miss, which of course only people who are being nitpicky like me would pick up, and she orders tea and a croissant and orange presse, which you actually can’t get in Paris for breakfast, but nonetheless. She reads Le Monde, the newspaper. All of this while wearing beige covered, full length gloves, which are either kid skin or cotton or something. But, you’d have newsprint all over them, you’d have tea all over them. She then leaves — she actually opens an envelope with the gloves on, ends up going to take the train to Venice, still in the gloves. Trains in Europe are sooty.. And still with the gloves, still impeccably dressed, picks up Johnny Depp, who’s smoking a fake cigarette with an absolutely outrageous Mata Hari line, and ends up taking him to the hotel with her, which there’s a satin bow around the closet and when she opens it, there’s probably $100,000 worth of jewelry and furs and clothes. Then he said, hotels don’t gift people that way. I mean, the point is, it’s almost a cartoon of a 1940s Cary Grant caper. If you love Angelina Jolie, you’ll probably get a kick out of it because the camera just convinces us that she is the most gorgeous human being on the face of the earth. It never takes its eye off her. If Angelina Jolie seems to you a bit smug, you’re going to hate this movie. So, if you love her, you’ll probably give it 3.5 stars. If you hate her, you’re presumably going to avoid this movie.

JOY METER