Dark Shadows is the latest Tim Burton, Johnny Depp collaboration that of course includes Helena Bonham Carter, and Michelle Pfeiffer. The story is one of Barnabas Collins, who is a vampire. There’s a basic problem with this, which I don’t know if anybody else figured out. Barnabas supposedly was an only child whose parents are killed when he has an affair with the local scullery maid who turns out to be a witch and decides that she’s mad so she kills the parents off. But he was an only child, so where do his offspring come from? Can we not talk about that? Apparently not. Joy, pay no attention. This is a movie, not reality, based on a silly 1970s soap opera. Okay. So the idea is that Barnabas wakes up from his coffin where he is, I don’t know, the undead or something in the 1970s, which has certainly horrible clothes, in Collinsport. And Michelle Pfeiffer is kind of the matriarch with Chloe Grace Moretz as her daughter, who is kind of cranky and unpleasant, and Eva Green plays his nemesis. I mean, I wanted to like this more than I did, I just thought it was kind of flabby to be quite honest. I wasn’t a fan, I never watched the original. Michelle Pfeiffer always looks fabulous, Johnny Depp is fun to watch, but this didn’t quite work for me. And the first half is supposed to be, I guess, funny. There were a couple of giggles. The second half is pretty bloody. It just didn’t make a whole lot of sense to me. Two stars.